Allora… I had a not very nice trip to Italy on domenica at lunch time.
We woke up to a call from zia, saying that Matteo needed to come to Italy, but they wouldn’t say why, then after lots of messages between his sorella and himself on facebook, we found out the horrible news… Mamma is gone….
I have never moved so fast, got straight onto the computer, booked the cheapest direct flights to Rome and left as we had about 2 hours to be at the airport before check in closed. Then we arrived to Gatwick airport and was on the plane to Rome in no time, it felt surreal, like it couldn’t be happening… Matteo had just spent a week in Italy spending time with Mamma in the hospital… the doctor said she could probably leave hospital in 2-3 weeks… so that would mean she would either be out, or coming out of hospital by the time we were arriving for our holiday…. not for this to happen, it was a shock, I guess you can never truly be prepared for something like this. I am so glad that Matteo got to spend that week with her though, I think it was so important.
And to think back when we were both there together in febbraio I wanted to get a photo of all 3 of us. And Matteo said no, next time… well I’m never going to get that next time. Neither of us will…
It was quite different for me attending an Italian funeral, coming from a different country there were definitely aspects that I found strange. In the morning we went to the hospital where they had her body in the hospital mortuary. Matteo didn’t want to go in there, I told him it’s important, and Mamma’s fidanzato convinced him it was important as well. So I went with him, she was so beautiful lying there, it just looked as though she was sleeping and she would wake up any minute. I was so glad I could be there for Matteo, that he didn’t have to face it without me there. I was glad I could be there for his sorella as well. Because I know it’s hard of Matteo, but it must be just as hard on Gaia if not more. Because mothers and daughters always have that special bond that you can’t explain.
After we left the hospital we went to the funeral mass, where the priest talked about her during the homily, no one else came up to say a eulogy or anything, there was no slideshow with pictures of her life or anything and I couldn’t really understand much of what was being said. Then we went to the gravesite. That was the thing I found most strange, the priest never came to say a prayer or anything as she was being lowered in the ground. We just got there, they put her in the gravesite and then the grave workers put the dirt over the casket and that was it. Then the family put the flowers that they had gotten during the morning on the gravesite.
It was hard, there is so much I would of liked to have shown Mamma. I loved her very much. She reminded me so much of my mother in New Zealand. Even though I couldn’t speak to her probably, I wished I could of talked to her in Italian and understood what she would say to me. I wish I could have taken her to New Zealand to see what it is like on the other side of the world. I wish I could of just given her one last hug and told her how much I loved her.
But at least now she will be able to understand me. I think when you have faith it makes you understand that even though it’s hard, you believe that she is in a better place, she is no longer in pain, no longer hurting. And now when I talk to her, she can actually understand me even if I can’t speak to her in Italian.
Zia Paola found a good prayer/poem for us to think of It’s St. Augustine’s prayer of death is nothing.
I have just moved to the neighbouring room
I am who I am … you are whom you are,
That which we were to one another,
We will always be.
Call be by my name.
Speak to me like you’ve always did.
Don’t use a different tone ….
Don’t take that look; solemn or sad.
Continue to laugh at that which made us laugh together.
Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be pronounced at home,
As it always was,
Without pomposity or gloom.
Life is still the same
It is what it always was
The string has not been cut.
Why should I be away from your thoughts?
Just because I am away from your sight?
I’m not far, just on the other side of the road….
You see, everything is fine …
Wipe your tears and cry no more.
Just beautiful, and so true!
Yesterday morning after our horrid day on Monday, Zia Paola took me, Matteo, Gaia, Carlotta and Simone to see castel gandolfo, it reminded Matteo and I that the sun still shines after the storm. It was a nice morning to be together. Zia Paola bought me a piccola bambolina (little dolly) Matteo said that it’s a good reminder for us of the past couple of days. I said I will name my piccola bambolina Stefania. after Mamma. So now I will always have her in bambolina form!
And surprisingly for myself, after two days of having to speak Italian, my Italian drastically improved, only problem for me is, that whenever I speak it, everyone always repeats what I say in my little voice, because they think it’s so cute that I try. Che palle!
Well I hope everyone had a much better weekend/beginning of the week than we did. Was back at work on Wednesday! But I have two weeks now before I go back to Italia, it really won’t be the same anymore. I will never get to say Ciao Mamma anymore when I see her. I think that’s one of the things I will find the hardest, because I loved to say that to her, and I like to think that she liked to hear it from me too!
Ciao a tutto!
A presto! xxx